I used to think if I showed any type of emotion, it was a form of weakness.
I believed if I cried for any reason, people would see it as an opportunity to walk all over me. I believed in order to have tough skin, nothing could affect me. And so, in order to have tough skin, I built up walls against any + everyone who tried to come into the house that is my heart.
If someone came too close, I would either push them away completely or only allow them to see parts I had control over. Due to this, too many emotions that craved to be released would be stored up inside for months + months at a time, trying to make its way out of the storage that was getting filled too quickly + crammed for my own good. And so, this did not result in emotions seeping through the cracks, but rather it resulted in one huge explosion (known as a breakdown) that would take place every year.
Not too long ago, someone told me there is a difference between transparency + vulnerability.
To be transparent is to live in a see-through house, and instead of allowing someone inside your house, you allow them to view it from the outside. In this, you have control of what they see.
But, vulnerability is not only inviting people into your house, but as well allowing them to see the messy, damaged and wrecked parts you tried so long hiding from others; parts you don’t have control over.
Recently, vulnerability took place instead of transparency + the Lord used it for His good.
I’m learning that only because something is for our good, it does not necessarily mean it is going to feel good.
Growth is painful–it’s full of stretches, getting taken out of your comfort zone, having limbs develop in new ways, and overall constant change. Yet, overall it makes you stronger.
So thank you Father for growth; growth that is for my good because it’s ultimately for Your good + glory. Thank you that it’s ok to breakdown, as long as we come to You + no other with our broken pieces. Thank you for bringing someone in my life who sees the mess and wreck in my house, and loves me the same (if not more), as You clean it up and make it new.
photos thanks to Bradley Scurei Photography
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